There are a lot of things that went through my mind in anticipation of giving birth. I remember wondering how I would handle the pains of labor, whether or not I'd be impatient with Thomas, if I'd really be able to do it. As first time parents, Thomas and I had little idea what to expect though we did our best to be prepared and learn what we could. It turns out, however, that there is nothing that could have prepared us for what was about to happen, and there was no way we could have anticipated things to go the way they did. Here's our story:
The weekend before our baby was born, I cleaned out the fridge, organized the freezer, made the last of the meals I wanted to prepare, and had washed everything the baby would need right away. I remember standing in the kitchen and thinking, "Well, now I'm ready; this baby can come anytime." The next day at our weekly check up, our baby was measuring bigger than our doctor had anticipated, although this is common for mothers with diabetes. As a Type 1 diabetic I had watched my sugars very closely during my pregnancy and had stayed in very good control. However, some things you just can't control, and our baby's weight was one of them. We were scheduled to be induced the next day.
So although Mondays are typically my day off, this one was anything but. As soon as I got home from our doctor's appointment, I made a list of everything I needed and wanted to get done for work before heading to the hospital the next morning. From there it was a flurry of activity as I crossed all thirty-some things off my list.
That night was very restless. I had been having one Braxton-Hicks contraction after the next, and was just so anxious for 5:30 A.M. to roll around that when the alarm clock went off I was overjoyed. At 6:00 we called the hospital to make sure they had room for us only to discover that they didn't. Since I had done so much the day before, Tuesday seemed to last forever as I tried to find ways to pass the time. That night was much like the one before, with little rest and much anticipation.
Wednesday morning we again called the hospital and were relieved to find out that they had room for us. We arrived at the hospital at 7:15 A.M., checked in, and walked to the Birth Place. Once there, we were shown our room and I was given some meds to induce labor. A short while labor our doctor arrived, she broke my water, and not long after that, my contractions started. They were very strong.
I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for how strong contractions can be. Some of mine were so intense I could barely see straight, let alone stand up and breathe. Thomas and I walked the hallways for as long as I could, stopping every time a contraction started. This lasted until 4:30 P.M. About that time, because I was still hardly dilated, I decided I could not keep this up for much longer without something to take the edge off the pain. At about 5:30 I had my first epidural. That's right. Most people only get one. But mine wore off by 10:00 and it was obvious I would be in labor for quite awhile longer, so the anesthesiologist came back and gave me another dose. This allowed Thomas and I to catch a little shut eye in order to prepare for what was going to come next.
At around 4:30 A.M. I remember talking to our nurse, whose shift was scheduled to end at 7:30 A.M. She said there would definitely be a baby before she had to leave. Not much later, I started pushing. At this point, things start to get blurry, but I was aware of the fact that though I kept pushing, not much seemed to be happening. I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. I pushed until 6 A.M. rolled around. 7:30 came and went, and our nurse decided to stay instead of leave when she was scheduled to. I was still pushing an hour later although by now I wasn't sure how much longer I'd be able to keep this up. I was absolutely exhausted, physically and mentally, for good reason. But finally, at 8:55, the baby's head was delivered.
This is when things really got interesting. And intense. Like the flurry of activity that I had been on Monday, our hospital room because a flurry of activity in a matter of seconds. It turns out our baby's shoulders were stuck. And our doctor was no where in sight. So the emergency button was pushed, nurses flooded our room, and Thomas, realizing that something bad was happening, started to get light-headed.
The nurses had me flip from my back to all fours, and then back again, trying to get our baby's shoulders unstuck. Thanks be to God it worked. At 9:25, our baby was delivered. They told me it was a girl. I couldn't believe it. When I was pregnant, just about everyone told me I was going to have a boy. Thomas and I had talked about names and had decided our girl one right away but couldn't really decide on one I felt completely satisfied with for a boy. So when the nurse told me it was a girl and asked me our baby's name, I was overjoyed to be able to say these two words: Esme Ruth.
But as I waited to hold my daughter, I remember crying and telling Thomas that I was scared. No one was telling us how our baby was and we had yet to hear her cry. When that cry did come, however, so did the tears.
The most difficult thing about our birth story is that looking back on it, there seem to be several things that could have gone differently in order to not put our little one's life in danger. It is disconcerting that Esme couldn't breath spontaneously right away and that when Thomas first saw her she was a little blue. Where was our doctor? you might ask. It's a question Thomas and I wondered too. It turns out she had gone back to the clinic to see a patient, thinking she had more time than she did. In her words, she had tried to multitask but obviously that morning it didn't work. This is probably the hardest thing to accept.
Would things have been different if she had been there? That we will never know. But what we do know is that we are grateful things turned out as well as they did. It is obvious things could have been much worse. Of course, we would never trade our daughter for anything; she is absolutely beautiful and more amazing than we could have ever imagined. And being her mother is the best thing in the world. However, I would trade our birth experience in a heartbeat if it meant I could look back on my daughter's birth with more peace and elation, which is turns out, is something I expected to be able to do.
